Definitely Pirates, by Elisabeth Blair

CONCEPT

Elisabeth won a fifth of rum from me, simply by submitting her page and a half on pirates vs. ninja. (Last months blog game.)
I will be posting my rebuttal shortly.
Here it is:

* * * * *

Definitely pirate.

What was that guy doing anyway, the guy
The one in the pew in front of me with a bottlecap
Finishing off whatever water it left
while some bad photography was flipping through its little slideshow?
All I know is it saved both me and Kristian.
What little there was to look at was on a shoulder, with
Whatever that guy was doing with his mouth

And anyway green is my favorite color. Last summer,
I mean October,
I meant to be a pirate entirely in green,
But ended up being Sleep.
People liked it anyway, in a gay club later that night my pink cloak
Was the star of the night, because it was so easy to swing about.

Jack Tar was a cheery, willing, and brave sailor, a Victorian character. “[Sailors] were the folk heroes of their day – like the cowboys, footballers and spacemen of our own century.”
Tar was put in between ship floorboards.
Caulking
Made from old rope. Punished sailors spend time caulking, or picking rope apart.

Who is more exciting than an enemy? Well, pirates are sailors’ enemies.

But both kinds of seamen - enemies and folk heroes - were incredibly fit, beautifully aching with health, lowering themselves on ropes, roll-washing their clothes, with boxes in the supply shop of the (folk-heroes’) ship that were stenciled CANDLE-SPERM SIGNAL
And CANDLE-WAX
Those guys ate ‘essence of beef’
And the exciting thing is that pirates, pirates we really don’t know about. They were too mean, but you know they must have eaten the same kinds of things, and you know they must have been really fit too.

I mean these people – sailors -
Slept in something that doubled as their coffins. I mean I don’t know
What pirates slept in,
Because the only book you’ll find on them in the gift shop
Is a coloring book,
Which is the best reason I can possibly give,
For PIRATES,

And the second best reason is that parrots are amazing, and I watched a guy in a pew in front of me stick his pet parrot’s entire head into his mouth,
Then finish the water in the bottle cap after the parrot had had its fill,
And ever since then I’ve thought long and hard about how much I want a parrot, one that is most importantly
Bright green.