Blogging the Hunt '05: Post 8. Thru the End of Judgment.

EVENT

JUDGMENT DAY, PAGE BY PAGE

Item #2. Liver, fava beans, and chianti, to be consumed by someone in a straitjacket and Lecter mask. [6 points]

Palevsky's perennial Scavvie, Joan, performed this item, demonstrating a powerfully disturbing voice despite no familiarity with the book or movie.

Item #4. Have you face projected at Millennium Park. [59 points. 2 bonus points for picking your nose. 10 bonus points for your O-face]

Teams attempted this one with a limited success.

Item #6. Mother's Day is so passè. Demonstrate Google's new hipness by presenting us with their search page redesigned in honor of Judgment Day. [7 points]

Many were William Westin V themed.

Item #8. Get circumcised. [73 points. Do not conflate with Item #8 of 2004]

We believe two teams achieved this with non-infant team members.

Item #21. "Guess what? I've got a fever, and the only prescription is..." [1 point]

More cowbell.

Item #60. The WORST-CASE SCENARIO Survival Handbook: THE UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO. [68 points]

For 68 sweet points, several teams blew this one out of the water. The best featured Worst-Case style layouts and binding, and themes on "How to survive a squirrel attack" and "How to wrestle Don Randle."

Item #102. /./ crashes /.(!) [2 points]

I've heard this went well as well, though I didn't see any myself.

Item #138. A dentist's chair. The real deal. [38 + 4 points]

I did see one of these. Real old school. Real cool.

Item #145. Shampoo for real friends... [2 points]

...

Item #149. A brassiere of elemental summoning. [4 points]

A bad joke from either the 2nd or 3rd ed. Dungeon Masters Guide. While cautioning erstwhile DMs not to play to freely, the book says, for example, that "a brassiere of elemental summoning" should not substitute for "a brazier of elemental summoning."

Well, I wanted to see a brassiere of elemental summoning. Like that sweet one the Vegans/COOP made out of black cloth that had the stainless steel tube that shot flame from the nipples. That was sweet!

Item #162. http://www.theassbook.com/ [28 points]

A parody on the Facebook. Evidently, it's growing by leaps and bounds as I type.

Item #176. The U of C Edition of DOs and DONTs in the manner of those evil druggy hipsters at Vice Magazine. [23.3 points]

These were pristine.

And BJ made me a "do."

Item #185. An apple pi. [Just like mom makes, ((pi/pi)/pi) x (pi^pi - pi) points]

I'm sure this item has appeared on many lists, but I doubt it's even been so cleverly worded.

Item #197. Maroon prints dummy headline. That sucks. [10 points]

A reference to several years ago when a real dummy headline snuck into the Maroon, as follows: "Girl gets mugged. That sucks." Unfortunately, it's always hard to tell what's a dummy headline and what's not. Sorry.

Item #208. A gruntled postal worker. A plosion. [9 points each, but only if we are whelmed]

Evidently, someone picked up Judge Courtney for this and flung her over his shoulder, saying, "See? You're whelmed!" She said, "No. I'm just pissed off!"

Item #210. Adult Sit 'n' Spin.TM Yes, adult-themed. [42 points]

Several years ago an incarnation of this item specified that it wasn't adult-themed. We thought we should mix it up a little. Especially Sara.

Item #220. Jon Stewart's Anthology of Public Domain Victorian Erotica. Chapter assignments to be assigned at the Captains' Hootenanny. [18 points]

As advertised at the beginning of America, the Book. To be compiled, bound, and sent to the Daily Show.

Some teams actually worked on Will Westin items:

Item #236. Cucumberbund. [0.25 points]

Item #239. A round, browned pound of ground beef. [0.25 points]

Item #245. By George, is that a walker in that bush? [0.25 points]

Item #259. Cuban milf crisis. [0.25 points]

Item #263. Pilates of the Carribean. [0.25 points]

Item #254. BroccoLiam Neeson. [0.25 points]

And on my page:

Item #268. Fry an egg on the sidewalk. [8 points]

The best of these involved a blow torch.

Item #269. Freeze an egg on the sidewalk. [9 points]

The best of these involved liquid Nitrogen.

Item #271. An authentic 40-rods. [an authentic 8 points, but only if administered by an authentic James Carr of Harrison]

This item was a baby of mine, but nobody got it.

Item #272. Udolpho's most notorious relic [21 points. 9 bonus points if presented with Otranto's most notorious relic. 2 points if presented with Groucho's most notorious relic.]

Teams invested a surprising amount of time and energy into this item, and pulled it off quite well. A corpse was dressed up at Palevsky, Broover built a torture chair of steel, Snell had a stuffed dummy, and F.I.S.T. provided a very small but authentic wax human. Several teams had monstrous helms, and at least one captain had a giant stogey and made a very convincing Groucho Marx.

Item #274. Resulve the Snicket paradox to Matthew Shuttleworth's satisfaction. [3 points]

One team sent Matthew an email and letter essentially saying Lemony was full of shit.

Item #275. A Martini space pak. [21 points]

Nobody interpreted this the way I had intended... that is, a variation on the margarita machines that mix margaritas in backpacks, then serve the drink into your cup through vacuum powered tubes. That said, I got several very potent and practical Martinis that had been vacuum packed for space. Good, too! One even separated the vermouth from the vodka soaking in olives.

Item #276. Wayne Cochran's "Jeremy." [9 points]

Two teams did Eddie Vedder as much justice as Pearl Jame did "Last Kiss."

Item #277. Violate HIPAA. [1 point]

I was presented with a list of the judge's social security numbers. Mine, thank god, was wrong.

Item #278. Who knew you were so Mega Musical? We want appropriately 8-bit tunes for stages involving Better Man, Rocket Man, Particle Man, Piano Man, Iron Man, Sand Man, Repo Man, and "If I Were a Rich" Man. Remember, it just ain't "Mega" if the beat's not blaster worthy. [4 points per tune. Maximum 3 tunes.]

Another baby, developed with Jessica. This one, several teams got, and got very well. Props out to all the great Iron Man and Sand Man for various Wily stages. Other favorites were Shoreland's "Better Man" and Pierce's "If I Were a Rich" Man.

Item #282. Do Anything for Love. Run right into Hell and back. Never forget the way I feel right now. Some days it don't come easy. Some days it don't come hard. Some days it don't come at all. Some nights breathe fire. Some nights be carved in ice. Some nights be like nothing I've ever seen before or will again. Be there til the final act. Take a vow and seal a pact. Some days pray for silence. Some days pray for soul. Some days just pray to the God of Sex and Drugs and Rock N Roll. Some nights lose the feeling. Some nights lose control. Some nights lose it all when you watch me dance and the thunder rolls. Never stop dreaming of me. Raise me up. Help me down. Get me right out of this Godforsaken town. Make it all a little less cold. Hold me sacred. Hold me tight. Colorize my life. Make it all a little less old. Make me some magic with your own two hands. Build me an emerald city with these grains of sand. Give me something I can take home. Cate to every fantasy I got. Hose me down with holy water if I get too hot. Take me places I've never known. Do anything for love, but don't do that. [1 point each]

Most of these were manifested as performance art or interpretive dances, from the improvisatory performance by F.I.S.T. and Broover, to the charm of Pierce, to the explosiveness of Shoreland, to the rollingaroundinthedustishness of Snell. These were quite enjoyable. My favorites, however, were the music video compiled by Palevsky... which could have been a documentary of their whole scavhunt experience this year, and the comic book that BJ put together.

Item #283. Do that. [33 points]

I was treated to the utterly bizarre here. From a brief argument by Snitchcock to Broover's raving of innocent villagers to the Shoreland Captain dumping her boyfriend during the judging of the page, nobody really gave me what I expected here.

Especially BJ.

Nora, who's been involved on that team for years and had been dating my close friend and fellow judge Colin for almost a year said she thought she might propose marriage to him for the item. Never one to decline such a spectacle, I immediately ran to the lower west lounge and brought Colin back. Then, in the middle of the room, Nora got down on one knee, and began speaking. A crowd started to gather. We all, I think, figured she was joking. But as the conversation continued, they both became increasingly serious. Finally, Nora stood and they embraced. This was it. This was the first Scavhunt engagement ever. At that moment, judgment was just an hour from completion. And after all, this was the very last item on the list.

I can't think of a more fitting conclusion to my eight years with Scavhunt.