Oneidine: Amber's Dream

CONCEPT

"Describe a dream."

This was submitted by Amber:

I've had to wait on this one, until I had a dream I could remember
well enough to describe. Well, I had one last night...and it might
even qualify as a nightmare. You'll remember how I told you that
nightmares, when I have them, always keep to the realm of possibility,
thus being only so much more freaky for their verisimilitude.

Last night's dream was populated by my family...the family of my
youth--this elastic, atomic,
stuck-together-for-all-the-fucking-good-it-does-us little tribe of me,
my sister, and my mother. And I had a baby. But I didn't really have a
baby. Actually, that sort of sums up the plot--was it my baby? Or was
it my sister's?

Pretty horrific... I definitely felt in the dream the same way I do
right Now about having babies--ewww/existential horror. Somehow, in
the dream, we all knew that my sister or I was going to have a baby.
And obviously, I didn't want to ... very strongly didn't want to. And
then, the next thing you know, there was this tiny wee thing in my
arms. What?!! It's not mine! But I felt so guilty turning him away.
But I did, again and again... ;) Judas to the tiny prince. I'd never
wanted him, so there's no way it could have been me. It must have been
my sister.

And he grew... and his hair came in, and it was the color of my
sister's...that sandy not-really blonde. Nothing like mine, but just
like my sister's and her boyfriend's. And I said, "Ah ha, you see?"
"Hers." And still, I felt like a scummy jerk of all jerks. It Wasn't
my baby...but still, to have wanted so much for that to be true, to be
so glad that it Was true...I felt horrible.

:) And that was the dream. Brilliant, eh? I hope to god it has nothing
to do with my biological clock. I assume it has much more to do with
my fear of committment and my future, and the blame I lay on my head
in association with both.

So, there you are!